Yes, it’s time again to delve into that maddening puzzle that is GoT: Genesis! This time, I decided to try the tutorial on “Underhand Methods.” Derek Jacobi says “underhand methods” too, so I guess that’s how they say it in Westeros.

Either way, I’m going to wish I hadn’t done this.

If I thought being friends with people was complicated, it was nothing compared to this. I took a mess of screenshots, but at this point, two minutes after completing the tutorial, I have no idea what any of them mean. Mostly, I just know there are are about 27 ways to screw people in this game.

But that sounds about right for GoT.

The first thing we learn about is destroying those beautiful alliances we made in the last tutorial.

So, we learn about a new unit: the assassin. You have to pay the assassin’s guild in order to be able to hire one, and they can sneak into towns and do dastardly things, just like the spy. That doesn’t seem so bad, right?

Oh no. That’s just GoT lulling you into a false sense of security.

Okay, so your assassin is invisible, unless a spy can see him. That’s cool. We do a quick look around and there don’t appear to be any spies around, so we head in and BAM. KNIFED. He even apologizes before he stabs her cos he’s a classy dude.

My assassin hustles back to my territory (conveniently marked by rows of little banners – whoever has to set those up every time I gain and lose territory is gonna hate me in a little while) because stealth units become visible when they stab people, and they can only poof again when they feel comfortable in their own territory, otherwise they get all self conscious with everyone staring at them.

So, one noble lady is dead and that town is just ripe for the looting. Um, I mean ally-ing-with-ing.

But Derek Jacobi has another task for me.

And I thought you seemed like such a nice guy.

Well, we must do what Mr Jacobi says, so I send my assassin in to the next town and in a completely surprising turn of events, things go wrong. Who could have foreseen that?

That’s right, not only is Jacobi a dick, he is a betrayer!

I won’t forget that, Derek Jacobi.

So there were guardsmen protecting the noble lady that I couldn’t see because I didn’t have a spy around. Sigh. The game gives me a spy and another assassin (because that first one has been totally forgotten about, that’s what kind of employer I am) and shows me that if you position your spy nearby, your assassin will use poison instead of a knife to kill her. Why wouldn’t he do that anyway?! Just in case?!

Apparently these bargain basement assassins need someone there to point out to them that someone is looking or they just go and get knife happy. Sigh.

Now we’re going to learn about another new unit: the rogue, which can be used to foment uprisings.

Foment is totally a word you don’t hear enough. What a great word. It makes me want to say it over and over again until it loses all meaning. Foment foment foment foment foment.

So you can send rogues in and they’ll start setting fire to things, and they’ll also create more rebels who go and set fire to other towns. This seems pretty simple, but will be important when Jacobi decides to confuse everything I have thus far learned.

That’s right, now is when Derek Jacobi has to confuse it all, because I was getting too comfortable.

In addition to fomenting uprisings, rogues can also be used to buy off enemy envoys. Then they become your SEKRIT envoys and all the alliances that they make are fake. Really? Um, okay, I think I got it.

There’s another way to mess with enemy envoys; those noble ladies from earlier. (Although I really don’t see anything noble about them. Why don’t we just call them prostitutes and be done with it?) They can seduce enemy envoys and stop them from doing their job.

In fact, the noble lady can seduce “any unit that is not a group,” because she’s not into that stuff. I’m not clear on what happens once they’re seduced. I think they go home to their bunks, though.

Luckily, it’s pretty easy to stop both rogues and noble ladies once they get up to this business.

If you can get another unit over there, their shenanigans become really awkward and they all kind of stare at each other wishing this awkward moment would pass before they all wander off in different directions. It’s really awkward.

Okay, I think that all makes sense.

But wait, you can use spies in another way too – you can send them over to your enemy’s noble house and have them pose as an envoy, assassin, or spy. And when they go out to do their thing, they’ll only be pretending to actually do it.

This all sounds good, until you realize that your enemy can do the same thing to you.

So what does this mean?

Every time you send an envoy in to make an alliance, you have to use a spy to check the town for guardsmen who might stop your envoy, and then you have to check your town on a regular basis afterwards because it may be undermined at any time, and you also have to check your envoy, because they could actually be a spy, and at any time, any of these units could be paid off by a rogue, or seduced by a noble lady and then who the hell knows what happens to them, and you could also be assassinated by an assassin unless you have guardsmen around and maybe a spy who can see assassins? I’m not entirely sure on that one.

So really, what it means is that you can’t trust any action you ever make in this game. Ever.

I’m starting to worry I’m going to accidentally betray myself somehow too.

…

On to the next tutorial!

Popular with unicorns who enjoy: Games by Sara
No Unicorn Magic »