Why am I still doing this to myself?

It must be Derek Jacobi. I can’t resist his calm demands that I seduce and murder everyone.

And it’s only going to get worse.

I know this because I actually completed the last two tutorials and the first mission a couple of weeks back, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to continue with this… strange and somewhat inexplicable blog account of me playing video games. Every time I sit down to, I think “oh no, I have to play A Game of Thrones: Genesis, now. And I think I’d rather just stare at my keyboard blankly for a couple of hours. It’s less confusing and almost as much fun.”

I have to say it. A Game of Thrones: Genesis… is kind of bum. I have no doubt that there are people for whom this brand of bum is totally awesome, but for me, it is not the good kind of bum. It is the bad kind. The game is confusing, stressful, and somehow really boring too. I’ve never experienced apprehensive boredom before, but now I can say I have.

But I’ve only finished the tutorial and one mission, and I feel like maybe I haven’t given it a fair try. Maybe the tutorial and first mission weren’t a fair representation of the game. Or maybe it won’t matter because I’ll get some dragons and I can just burn everything.

So I’m going to try a few more missions, but I should probably catch up with what I’ve done already.

And that means recapping those last two tutorials and that first mission. Here goes…

The third tutorial is on peace and war which, while complicating gameplay further, at least serves to clear up what the hell my end goal is supposed to be. I had honestly originally thought my goal was just to screw my opponent into the ground with secret alliances and busty noble woman.

But no, it’s all tied to this peace gauge, and the prestige points attached to it.

Let’s see how Mr Jacobi explains it, though.

What else are peasants for?

As we learn in the fourth and final tutorial: nothing so important as to be senselessly murdered.

Mr Jacobi has me kill a bunch of peasants in this tutorial to watch the blue peace bar slowly start to fill with red, which I can only assume is the peasant’s blood, which he harvests for this very purpose. In the fourth tutorial, he has me kill a bunch more peasants because he really hates peasants, and also because one of those little icons at the top indicates one of the prestige point goals. What is that goal? Murdering peasants. (And also other units, but you can tell Jacobi’s hoping you’ll concentrate on the serfs.)

So yes, if you murder the most peasants, you get the prestige point bonus for murder. (I don’t think it’s actually called murder, but I’m not going to skirt the issue just because Derek Jacobi is.)

I don’t remember if Mr Jacobi even explains what the other point totals are for. Mostly, he’s just like” hey, if you murder peasants, you’ll totally win this. Just saying.”

In between bouts of peasant murder, Mr Jacobi also mentions that basically everything they taught you how to do in the last two tutorials will also disturb the peace and lead to war.

At this point, I’m not sure if you’re supposed to be trying for war or not. The source material doesn’t help with this confusion.

Mr Jacobi does mention that there are some ways to prevent war…

…but obviously they’re not that important, because you’re obviously going to go to war. I’m not even sure why he bothered with the word “quasi.” You will be going to war. Everyone in Westeros goes to war. Even babies. Especially babies.

And when you go to war, you can’t do any of that stuff anymore. No more alliances or booty calls or anything. You just hope you have enough food and gold build up your army, and then you hack away at your enemies.

So that’s the other good thing that peasants are for – making food so that you can start an army. But mostly for killing.

And that’s the third tutorial: you are going to war, so you’d better have a lot of food, and also, kill peasants.

As I already mentioned, Mr Jacobi tries to justify that in the fourth tutorial with “prestige points” but to be honest, I wasn’t paying a lot of attention to him by this point. In fact, I only took two screenshots doing the fourth tutorial. It’s a super quick tutorial that explains prestige points, which basically reward you for being “the best” at certain actions (like murder). And the person with the most points at the end of the game wins.

Only, I’m unclear if that’s only in multiplayer, or if prestige points show up in the single player game. Even after playing a mission, I’m entirely unclear on prestige points.

Mostly, my goal is just to murder a lot of peasants and hope I get extra brownie points from the AI for it.

But anyway, I totally took two screenshots. One was about fathering bastards.

I took this because all I could think about was your enemy envoy riding up to this little kid and pointing at him and yelling “bastard!” and laughing until he ran away forever. I also like the implication that there’s nothing you can do to get your great lord to keep it in his pants. He’s just going to father bastards. Just like you’re going to go to war. Man, Westeros is a wacky place.

And the last tutorial screenshot that I took was the last thing Mr Jacobi says in the tutorial.

I read this as: “wait, wait, I know you thought that was a lot, but there’s still like a bazillion ways to get screwed over in this game. But we got tired of making tutorials, so we’ll let the AI blindside you. Isn’t that the best way to learn? Yes.”

So, obviously, the campaign is gonna be fun.

But I’ll save that for next time.

Popular with unicorns who enjoy: Games by Sara
No Unicorn Magic »