February 14, 2018: ship \ ship \  verb;

1. To take an interest in or hope for a romantic relationship between (fictional characters or famous people), whether or not the romance actually exists.

 

Five girls sat squished together on a plush sofa, breath held and attention rapt as they stared as one at the scene unfolding on the television in front of them.

“There’s something I have to tell you,” the darkly handsome lead said, staring dramatically into the distance instead of at the person he was speaking to–a pretty young woman with green eyes and blonde hair who was looking at him in much the same way the girls on the couch were.

“He’s gonna do it!” Shelby shrieked from the couch, and was instantly assailed with a barrage of pillows and loud “SHHHH!” noises.

“You’ve been with me through it all, you know. Me turning into a vampire, and then being cured, and then being bitten by a werewolf, and being cured again, and then my transformation into some kind of swamp creature, and also being bitten by a werewolf and a vampire again.”

The girls on the couch swooned at the pained look on Richard’s face. He was so tortured. So tortured and so hot.

“I’ll always be there for you, Richard,” Annabelle said, putting a hand on his leather-clad shoulder.

“Good luck, Annabelle, Richard is in love with Helena!” Shelby yelled, and this time only one pillow hit her directly in the head. The rest of the girls on the couch just gave knowing nods, which further infuriated the pillow thrower–Peyton.

“Helena is terrible for him! Sure she liked him when he was a vampire, but when he was a werewolf she complained about all the hairballs, and she wouldn’t even look at him when he was just a swamp thing!” Peyton argued, and this time received a loud chorus of “SHHHHHH”s of her own.

On the screen, Richard was smirking. “And you’ll always be a dear friend,” he said, and the emphasis on the word ‘friend’ had the girls on the couch shrieking again.

“HE’S GONNA DO IT!” Shelby shrieked, even louder this time, and this time, no one stopped her.

“But I’m in love with Helena,” Richard said, and everything after that was drowned out by a chorus of screams.

Peyton could only watch in dismay as Annabelle’s hand fell from Richard’s shoulder, and she nodded sadly. And then the screen faded to black, and some woman started telling them about the benefits of probiotic yoghurt.

“I knew it! It KNEW it!” Shelby yelled triumphantly, standing tall on the couch and then collapsing onto the other girls with a giggle.

“Helena is just so cool!” April agreed, clutching a pillow tightly, still staring dreamily at the screen.

“I heard that the actors are dating in real life,” Cassidy said knowingly, and everyone gasped appropriately.

“Well I still ship Richard and Annabelle!” Peyton said loudly, and suddenly the woman talking about her digestive tract was very loud.

Everyone on the couch stared at Peyton.

“But… why?” Cassidy asked, side-eyeing Peyton hard.

“Yeah, Helena is way cooler,” April said, clutching her pillow a little tighter.

“Are you serious? Helena has only ever been there for Richard when he’s been hot!” Peyton said in disbelief.

“Look, Helena is a monster hunter first, and a woman second,” Lacey said firmly.

“Yeah, she never planned to fall in love with Richard. It was really hard for her to go against her code,” Shelby agreed.

“She tried to kill him when he was a werewolf and when he was a swamp thing! She only tried to date him when he was a hot vampire and a hot whatever he is now!” Peyton yelled in exasperation.

“You’re reading too much into things, Pey,” Lacey said, shaking her head. “She’s the strong woman Richard needs.”

“She brings out the worst in Richard! He’s a callous dick when she’s around!” Peyton yelled.

A collective gasp filled the room, followed by an icy silence.

“I know you didn’t mean that, Pey,” Shelby said through clenched teeth.

“Richard only has sexy flaws,” April agreed, her knuckles now white on the pillow.

“I’m sorry, you’re right. That came out wrong,” Peyton said hastily, wishing she hadn’t chosen to sit in the middle for this viewing of their favourite television show. “I just think that maybe he needs someone who helps him focus on his humanity.”

“But he’s not human,” Shelby said, rolling her eyes at Peyton.

“Human boys are boring,” April mumbled into her pillow.

“Look, it doesn’t matter anyway, because he just confessed his love for Helena,” Lacey said with a satisfied smile.

Peyton sighed.

“Yeah, I guess. But I still ship Richard and Annabelle.”

And suddenly the show was back on, and the couch was silent again, but Peyton wasn’t really watching the screen. Maybe she was wrong, maybe the show hadn’t been hinting that Richard and Annabelle were perfect for each other all these years. Maybe Annabelle was just a friend, and that’s all she’d ever be, because she wasn’t some hot lady monster hunter who occasionally tried to kill Richard, which she supposed was more exciting television than the heart-to-heart talks Richard had with Annabelle. It was just too bad.

“I understand, Richard,” Annabelle said quietly. She was staring at her feet when she continued, “I’m happy if you’re happy.”

There was a long pause, long enough that Peyton turned her attention back to the screen to see what was going on. Richard was staring at Annabelle with an awed expression, as if an epiphany had just struck him squarely in the face.

“And I’m happy when I’m with you, Annabelle! I was wrong! It’s you I love!” Richard exclaimed, taking Annabelle in his arms and spinning her around.

“Wait, what?” Six girls said — five on a couch and one in a handsome monster’s arms.

“I was so blind, what I really need is someone who’s always been there for me, someone who can help me focus on my humanity!” Richard said, setting Annabelle down on the ground, but still holding her tight.

“Wait, isn’t that way Pey said…?” Shelby asked, and suddenly, four pairs of eyes were all boring into Peyton.

“Um, Richard, that’s wonderful, but I thought you loved Helena?” Annabelle asked, clearly confused at the abrupt about-face.

“That’s not possible,” Cassidy said quietly.

“She tried to kill me when I was a werewolf, and when I was a swamp thing!” Richard said incredulously.

“I didn’t think you’d noticed,” Annabelle said bemusedly.

“That’s exactly what Peyton said,” Shelby said, her eyes going even wider.

“Besides which, she brings out the worst in me,” Richard said, shaking his head. “I’m sorry, Annabelle, for what a callous dick I’ve been whenever she’s around.”

“WHAT DID YOU DO?!” April shrieked, clutching the pillow so tightly it popped and stuffing exploded around the room.

“I didn’t do anything!” Peyton protested, whipping her head from left to right, holding her hands up to try and placate the four fuming girls on either side of her. “This is insane!”

“Guys, stop it. Peyton doesn’t have magical powers over the television,” Lacey said, taking a deep breath.

“Right! Thank you!” Peyton said, giving Lacey a thankful look, which quickly withered away when Lacey addded, “and we’re going to prove it.”

“Prove it?” Peyton asked.

“Say you ship Helena and Richard,” Lacey said with a shrug.

“What?”

“That’ll prove this has nothing to do with you, and that the writers have just gone out to lunch,” Lacey said, glancing disdainfully at the screen where Richard was currently nuzzling a very confused looking Annabelle.

“Okay…” Peyton said, and took a deep breath. “I ship Richard and Helena.”

Immediately, Richard stopped nuzzling Annabelle. He stared at her, pushing her away with both arms.

“What am I even saying? Of course I love Helena!” Richard said, looking profoundly confused at his own certainty.

“WHAAAAAAT?” Five voices shouted from the couch.

“Richard, are you feeling okay?” Annabelle asked, staring at Richard with concern.

“OH MY GOD, DO IT AGAIN!” Shelby yelled, bouncing up and down on the couch.

“I ship Richard and Annabelle?” Peyton asked.

“Yes! Yes, I was just so confused. But it’s you, Annabelle, it’s always been you,” Richard said, abruptly pulling her back to him and crushing her against his chest.

“This isn’t possible,” Cassidy said again, staring in shock at the television.

“PUT IT BACK!” April yelled shrilly.

“No. Wait,” Lacey said, turning to Peyton with a mischievous grin. She leaned over and whispered in Peyton’s ear, and it took all of Peyton’s self control not to burst out laughing. She bit her lip and snorted violently instead, nodding emphatically at Lacey.

The other three girls just stared at her as she took another deep breath.

“I ship Richard and that telephone pole.”

Richard immediately rushed to the telephone pole and began running his hands up and down it sensually. Annabelle stared at him in abject horror. Five girls on a couch grinned.

This was going to be fun.

 

Note: I’m not sure this will make a ton of sense to people outside fandom but it’s totally a commentary on the current situation created by the internet where fans have too much say into what happens in their favourite shows, especially when creators try too much to give in to these demands and the damaging effects it can have on storytelling.

Haha, just kidding, I just wanted to write about a dude sensually rubbing a telephone pole.

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