February 27, 2018: goldilocks \ GOHL-dee-loks \  adjective;

1. Not being extreme or not varying drastically between extremes, especially between hot and cold.

 

“Goldilocks,” the page read, “adjective. Not being extreme or not varying drastically between extremes, especially between hot and cold.”

Okay, that was just unfair. And patently untrue! She varied! She varied often! Sometimes in the extreme!

“It’s, um, not super flattering,” was what Goldilocks said instead, looking up from the dictionary in front of her to glance around the table. Hansel and Gretel were both avoiding eye contact, and Little Red Riding Hood had her red hood pulled down over her downcast eyes. Jack was flirting with the barista, and Hans was looking at her apologetically with those beady little hedgehog eyes in a way that was almost worse than being ignored. Thumbelina, however, who was standing on the definition and pointing at it, was livid.

“Not very flattering?” the diminutive young woman demanded. “Not very flattering?” she asked again.

Thumbelina was right! She should be absolutely outraged! Here she was in the dictionary and she was essentially just a synonym for average and boring! She would not stand for this!

“It could be worse,” she mumbled lamely, trying not to look at Thumbelina.

“Goldi!” Thumbelina shouted, stomping her tiny foot on the word ‘adjective’ in a fit of rage.

“Well, I mean, the temperature bit is right. I’m mostly lukewarm,” Goldilocks said, putting a hand against her forehead to demonstrate.

Yes, that’s exactly what it meant, you twit.

“Lina, give her a break,” Hans said quietly, scratching nervously at his quills as the other patrons in the coffee shop started to turn and look at the tiny girl currently ripping chunks out of the dictionary page with a war cry.

“Yes, you’re causing a scene, Lina,” Gretel said stiffly, adding another shake of chocolate shavings to her extra large, double sweet caramel macchiato.

Hansel grabbed the shaker and began vigorously shaking it over his own macchiato, “as she has every right to. One of us finally ends up in something respectable like the dictionary and that’s what they say? I’d be mortified.”

I am mortified, you chubby little idiot!

“I’m just happy to be included,” Goldilocks said quietly and took a sip of her honeyed tea.

Hansel and Gretel snorted in unison, and Red Riding Hood hunched down further in her chair.

“You know we can’t let this stand. You know what we have to do, don’t you?” Thumbelina said, having torn most of the definition out of the dictionary and scattered it into tiny confetti.

“Get over it?” Hans asked hopefully.

Thank goodness for you, Hans. Thumbelina is a bloody maniac.

“Hans, they’re ticketing your rooster,” Jack called over from the front counter, pointing outside at Hans’s giant riding rooster and the meter maid currently trying to figure out how to attach a ticket to the bird.

“I swear I put enough quarters in the meter!” Hans shouted, dashing out of the door, along with Goldilocks’s hopes of making it out of this conversation unscathed.

“What exactly do you propose, Lina?” Gretel asked, picking up the conversation, and the sugar shaker, without missing a beat.

You would want to see how bad this gets, you homicidal maniac.

“Well, the easiest way to prove them wrong is to make Goldi the antithesis of this definition here,” Thumbelina said, nodding thoughtfully as she looked Goldilocks up and down.

“The book’s already printed though,” Goldilocks mumbled ineffectually.

“What, you mean like make her extreme?” Hansel asked between gulps of his sugary drink.

“Hmmm, extreme, yes,” Thumbelina nodded, her look taking on an appraising air that Goldilocks didn’t like.

“I’m not sure what you mean by that,” Goldilocks said quietly.

“Extreme, Goldilocks! Like jumping out of a plane and getting a tattoo and, and, wearing no knickers!” Hansel said excitedly.

That sounds like someone stupid’s idea for an extreme cartoon mascot for kids. How is this getting even more ridiculous?

“Oh. I’d rather not, thanks,” Goldilocks told him and retreated back into her tea.

“No, no, this is good stuff! We’re going to completely rebrand, you Goldi!” Thumbelina said gleefully.

“Are you into any extreme sports, like mountain biking or skateboarding, or street luge?” Gretel asked curiously.

“You think that’s extreme?” Little Red Riding Hood asked, her voice barely a whisper emanating from the depths of her hood. Suddenly, everyone was quiet. “Extreme is finding yourself and your grandmother inside a wolf’s belly. Extreme is a suffocating world filled with nothing but darkness and death until suddenly it’s cut open in a spray of red and you’re hauled out, barely clinging to life. Extreme is wondering what to do with yourself once you’ve already faced your own mortality, once you’ve already come to terms with your own death, once you’ve looked the Grim Reaper in the face and given him a firm handshake. That’s extreme.”

Red Riding Hood stared at them all with hollow eyes and no one said anything for a very very long moment.

“Maybe not that extreme,” Thumbelina said timidly.

“Oh, okay,” Red shrugged and resumed sipping her tea.

Everyone took a deep breath.

“So. I’m thinking face tattoo, I’m thinking motorcycle stunts, I’m thinking run-ins with the law,” Thumbelina said excitedly, clapping her little hands together.

“What if Goldi tries to rob the dictionary publisher?” Hansel suggested with a grin.

“Ooooh, that would definitely get their attention!” Gretel agreed.

What the hell am I going to steal from a dictionary publisher? I think I’d rather dig my way out of wolf, thanks.

“That’s an interesting idea,” Goldilocks said into her tea.

“Did I miss anything important?” Hans asked breathlessly as he rushed back in and flopped into a chair.

“Goldi’s going to street luge and get a face tattoo and stick up the Webster’s people,” Hansel said excitedly.

“Oh,” said Hans doubtfully, turning to look at Goldilocks. In fact, they were all looking at her.

No! This is absolutely ridiculous! I am not getting a face tattoo! I am not taking up an extreme sports! And I am certainly not robbing a dictionary publisher of their staplers and three-hole-punches just to get them to change my definition in the dictionary!

“Um, sure,” Goldilocks said quietly with a shaky smile.

“This is going to be great!” Thumbelina cheered, and the crew began planning the heist of the century while Goldilocks silently screamed and sipped her tea.

 

Note: My first idea was a literal one. And since I always go with my first idea, I… went with my first idea. And here it is. In all its literal-ness. I do really like PTSD Red Riding Hood, but that’s probably because I’m secretly a little bit terrible. 😀

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