…starting with A Game of Thrones: Genesis.

That’s… not so alphabetical…

Look, it’s Steam’s fault, not mine.

And Steam is the boss here, not me. So we’re starting with A GAME OF THRONES: GENESIS.

Now, as far as I recall, GoT: Genesis is a real-time strategy game that chronicles the beginnings of Westeros, so back when the Targaryen’s were still chomping on people with dragons and they were the first family of incest (Lannisters are such posers).

Since this is a Game of Thrones (or Song of Ice and Fire) game, I have a feeling this is going to be complicated. Not just complicated, but mind-bogglingly complicated.

So I’m going to start with the tutorials.

Let’s go!

Hrmm. Loading screen.

What I like most about the loading screens is that each and every one of them likes to freeze my cursor, which makes me think the entire game has frozen. It’s a bold design decision, but the GoT/SoIaF series does have long history of playing such mind games, so I’ll call it a feature and move on.

Once the game finally loads, it looks like there are less options than I actually feared there might be. I’ve seen RTS games with tutorial windows that scroll right off the page. Still, I feel I shouldn’t let my guard down – this is still GoT after all. I decide to learn about creating alliances first, since it’s at the top of the list.

I am instantly greeted by Derek Jacobi, which I find very comforting. Surely, he won’t lead me astray!

But just as I suspected, Derek Jacobi is a talker. As such, I’m not going to screencap everything. This is GoT, so everything is excessively convoluted. I’m pretty sure there were at least six or seven dialogue boxes that explained walking. To be fair though, walking is tough…

In this world, everyone has been struck with a terrible case of the rickets, making walking both difficult, and painful. Their soft, soft bones means that they walk incredibly slowly. I think that’s why there were so many dialogue windows about walking – to build up their confidence before they make their first, stumbling steps out into the world.

My favourite part about this is that they haven’t taught me about a fast-forward button yet, so I get to watch the little envoy take every excruciating step as he hobbles along. There is a fast-forward button, right?

Anyway, at this point, I’m learning about using envoys. I’ve hired an envoy, and I’m getting him to go to a neighbouring town to make an alliance with them. Making an alliance means I get to collect money from them, and I don’t burn their town to the ground. I can burn towns to the ground, right?

Now we get to see an enemy envoy try to make an alliance at a town where I’ve already made an alliance. The joke’s on him though, because my envoy is still there, and look at them – they’re wearing the same outfit. Who would be caught dead wearing exactly the same outfit in the same town? So he’s going to have to go home and change because I was here first.

Unfortunately, this means that now we get to wait while the enemy envoy walks over and then every so slowly turns around. At the very least, I’m relieved to find that my foe has also been afflicted with rickets.

About two minutes pass between these two screenshots. I amuse myself by imagining the enemy envoy’s chagrin at arriving and seeing someone else in that super sweet robe and hat combo. He knew he should have gone with the full-length ball gown!

A little while later, I’ll see me get a guy with a horse, which you would think would be faster. Unfortunately, the horse also has rickets.

Sadly, Derek Jacobi has also caught rickets in his brain.

Anyway, now that I know about the basics of making alliances with my envoy, my next step is to get a spy, so I can do sneaky spy things.

But of course, since this is a GoT games, it can’t be that simple. First, I have to pay the spy guild, so that they’ll think I’m cool. Then, after a little while, they’ll let me know if a spy is available. Why do I need a spy? So I can see guardsmen in town. Because all of my other units have conditional blindness, apparently. Or they’re all giving town guardsmen the silent treatment, and they need the spy to act as a go-between and ask them to pass the butter or why they haven’t done the laundry since it’s THEIR TURN.

Really, the thing is, if you send in a unit other than a spy, and they have town guards, then you have to turn around and go all the way back home, and no one wants that, whatever the reason may be.

So that’s what spies are for.

Here’s my spy snooping on those guardsmen. The other cool thing that spies can do is that if your rival has sent an envoy into a town and made an alliance, you can totally send your spy in to make a SUPER SEKRIT alliance and be SUPER SEKRIT BEST FRIENDS with the town. That means that they secretly send all their money to you, instead of your rival. So that’s what we’re gonna do, and it’s gonna be pretty rad.

Of course, the problem is that my rival can totally do that to me, although I don’t know why any of my towns would want to be SEKRIT BEST FRIENDS with my rival when I have Derek Jacobi on my side. But whatever.

Unfortunately, when this happens, you can’t just raze the town, which is dumb (especially since I’m clearly playing the Targaryens and we’re supposed to have DRAGONS), instead you have to bribe the town with boobs. So I’ll send in a noble lady to marry the town (yes, the whole town).

I wish I’d gotten a screenshot, because her skill bar is the best. She has two options – marry and seduce. Because that’s what the ladies are for.

So, anyway, we’re going to hire a noble lady.

Apparently they’re just hanging out outside the local castle, waiting to be chosen for such a mission. Luckily, unlike the spy, they don’t have a guild, so we can get them on the cheap. (Although, to be fair, Derek Jacobi does let me know that normally noble ladies can’t be bought like this. I think he means you usually have to buy them dinner before hurling them at a neighbouring towns.)

So I send my gal off and she marries the town. TUTORIAL COMPLETE!

That’s one down! What have I learned?

I’ve learned that this game is probably unnecessarily complicated, which is going to make campaign mode a hoot. 

I’ve learned that maybe it’s a little foolish to be upset you can’t raze a town during the “Making Alliances” tutorial, and not to give up hope that that option may yet be available.

I’ve also learned that Derek Jacobi is the most polite tutorial guide ever.

That’s right, he doesn’t tell me to check the mini map, he invites me too. You’re such a gentleman, Derek Jacobi.

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