January 3, 2018: patrician \ puh-TRISH-uh n \  noun;

1. A person of noble or high rank; aristocrat.

2. A person of very good background, education, and refinement.

Iris shifted awkwardly in her seat, wishing she had chosen something a little less fashionable and a little more comfortable to wear. But then, a meeting with the patrician wasn’t the time to break out your flats and summer dresses, so her aunt had said. So instead she sat sweating in the summer heat, nearly swallowed in mounds of taffeta and silk, hoping desperately that she hadn’t annoyed the patrician enough that he’d keep her waiting in his sweltering sitting room for too long. As the seconds ticked by, though, she became more and more sure that she had clearly displeased the patrician somehow or she wouldn’t be so close to melting. Because the patrician, her aunt told her firmly, was a paragon of politeness — he would never stoop so low as to directly insult anyone — but he certainly wasn’t above letting them stew in their own juices while they awaited an audience with him.

Iris was just thinking about taking off her voluminous pink hat when the man in question finally appeared. It couldn’t be anyone else, he looked exactly like the portrait that hung in her aunt’s drawing room. She was so shocked that it was him and not a footman that had arrived that she sat staring at him with wide green eyes and didn’t say anything at all for what she would later recollect had to be at least a full minute.

“Oh dear, are you quite all right, Miss Wellsbee?” The patrician finally broke the silence, his brow creased with worry.

Iris sprung to her feet clumsily, only just maintaining her balance on the four-inch heels she’d selected to impress the patrician, and offered him a somewhat frazzled smile. “Perfectly, patrician. Only a little dazed.”

“The heat is beastly,” the patrician agreed, pausing a moment to let his eyes run up and down her form, taking in the piles and piles of fabric that made up Iris’s very chic outfit. “I can’t imagine all of that is helping much. You needn’t have dressed up on my account.”

The patrician smiled inscrutably at Iris and she could only stare in shock, quite on the edge of bursting into tears. Needn’t have dressed up on his account? Who in their right might would dress up like this on any other account? He must be winding her up, there was absolutely no other explanation for it. Because everyone knew that you presented your best self to the patrician or you found your place in society suddenly much less comfortable.

Iris swiftly plastered another frazzled smile on her face, hoping the patrician hadn’t noticed her shock and said, “this old thing? Not a bother at all. It practically floats.”

The patrician only a quirked a brow at her. After an awkward moment, he inclined his head in a nod and motioned towards the door before making his way out of the sitting room himself. Iris staggered after him, daydreaming briefly about throwing one of her four-inch heels at his head.

“I appreciate you coming on such short notice,” the patrician said over his shoulder as he guided her out to the luxuriously appointed main hallway.

“Not at all, not at all,” Iris assured him with a tight smile.

“How long have you been in the city, Iris?” the patrician asked, glancing at her as he ducked through a large oak doorway into another hallway.

“Only a fortnight,” Iris said, trying very hard to keep her huffing as dainty as possible — did the man not realize what an effort keeping up such a pace on four-inch heels required? Probably not. The patrician wouldn’t be used to having to set his pace by anyone. He was the patrician, after all, as her aunt would have reminded her.

“Yes, you only just arrived before we were forced to close the gates, didn’t you?” the patrician asked, continuing his trek through the mansion.

“Only just,” Iris agreed, her effort forgotten for a moment as she wondered whether it would be proper to ask what the closure had been about. No one was quite sure. The gates of the city has simply shut two weeks ago and hadn’t been opened since. No one in polite society really talked about it.

The patrician mumbled something to himself and before she could think to stop herself, Iris said, “I’m sorry, what was that?”

The patrician stopped abruptly and turned back to her and for a horrible moment, Iris thought she had crossed some boundary of politeness and infuriated the patrician. But abruptly she realized he was smiling sheepishly, and looked rather more embarrassed than infuriated.

“That was terribly rude of me, my apologies. I said…” he paused and took a breath. “What I said was, ‘thank goodness.’ Which I imagine must strike you as a little ominous.”

It did.

“You see, he was threatening to close the gates for at least a month, raving about it, even. But the time was never right, that’s what he kept saying. Until abruptly, two weeks ago, he stormed into the assembly hall, shouted, ‘about time! Close the gates!’ and that was that. We’ve been trying to puzzle it out and finally we realized that maybe the last person through those gates might know something, only it took us a whole week to track down who that might be — a lovely young lady in ridiculous travelling attire, coming to see her aunt.” He at least had the courtesy to blush when he realized that he’d called her ridiculous, but barreled ahead anyway, “and so when we at least found you, we asked you here immediately.”

Perhaps what should have bothered Iris was being called ridiculous, but what did bother her was the patrician spouting all of this at her as if she should have the faintest idea of what any of it meant. And perhaps if she hadn’t been kept waiting a full half hour in the sweltering sitting room before the patrician fetched her, she might have been able to keep a better hold of her irritation. But as it was, she was hot, tired, and just about through with putting up with all this nonsense just because this man was the bloody patrician.

“I hate to disappoint you, patrician, but I have no idea at all what you’re talking about, least of all who ‘he’ is,” she said, rather more loudly than she meant to, her cheeks now a shade of pink that rivaled that of her enormous hat.

The patrician winced apologetically, “of course.” He cleared his throat. “Of course.” He started off down the hallway again, leaving Iris with nothing to do but follow him, exasperation mounting, until he finally stopped in front of the most ornate set of doors she’d ever seen.

“He,” the patrician began dramatically, pushing open the doors at precisely the right moment, for effect, “is the patrician,” the patrician finished, and there, sitting in a plush bed under a pile of blankets was a man who looked exactly, down to the very last freckle, like the man standing next to her.

“About time,” the patrician said grumpily from his bed.

“I don’t suppose you know what that means?” the patrician at the door asked, looking hopefully at Iris.

Iris just glared at them both.

Let’s try this again, and see where it goes. 😀 Let’s do this, 2018!

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No Unicorn Magic »

That’s right, it’s page four of…

In both black and white, and colour!

Seems like a totally legit simple earth cat to me.

So, should I keep posting in both black and white, and colour, or should I just pick one or the other? Let me know, hordes of fans! (You totally count as a horde, Ryan! =D)

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1 Hint of Unicorn Magic »

After a bit of a break, it’s time again for…

I’m back to my own style here on page 3, so I’m happier with this than with the Sailor Moon tribute that is page 2 – hopefully readers like this style too and will stick with me. :3

What is Boots?

Adorable, obviously.

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No Unicorn Magic »

Welcome back to…

On page two, we meet our protagonist, Posy Abbot!

Here’s hoping this is at least a little familiar after reading page 1? =D

I’m still playing with the colouring, so I’ll keep posting in black and white and flat colour until I figure that out (although I’m open to suggestions)!

So, until next time… in the name of love and beauty, I’ll blow you away!

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No Unicorn Magic »

I’m writing a comic. About a magical girl with a shotgun. Largely, it’s to help me practice my drawing, but it’s also because there really should be a magical girl with a shotgun.

So here’s a peak at the first page, to fill that tragic gap in the magical girl world. (Which actually has neither magical girls or shotguns in it. Oops.)

Welcome to…

In both black and white:

And in (flat) colour (so you can see exactly how cute Boots is – yes, that’s the space cat’s name).

I’m still working on highlights and shading for the comic, and will post that as well, once it’s done. And once I’ve got a few pages in my pocket, I may even make a web page and consider this a real, actual, almost legitimate webcomic! Ooooh aaaah! 😀

So, until then… some kind of shotgun-y magical girl catchphrase… or something… (In the name of my shotgun, I’ll punish you? Awesome.)

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No Unicorn Magic »

– Early 4690 AR, Western Ustalav –

A dapper elven nobleman arrives in the small town of Evenvale and practices his charms on the local women. Despite assurances that he hails from the very upper echelons of Kyonin aristocracy, the town’s young ladies peg him quite rightly as a cheat, phony, and general prevaricator, likely due in some part to his inability to remember the name of Queen Telandia (who is not, in fact, referred to as “Queen Pointy-Ears” by her most trusted advisors).

Well, almost all the young ladies.

Cosmina Arcos is wholly and happily fooled, much to her parents’ chagrin.

– Late 4690 AR, Western Ustalav –

Cosmina’s whirlwind romance with her suitor ends abruptly when Cosmina gives birth to a baby girl.

According to Cosmina’s mother, the elven suitor’s last words to the young woman were, “I thought you had just been getting fat, and I was sort of into that. But I’m not into kids.”

According to Cosmina, her suitor’s last words to her were, “farewell, my darlingest darling! Though it leaves me in agony, I must away, to rule Kyonin beside my mother, the queen, which absolutely makes you and our daughter elven princesses, and don’t let anyone forget it.”

Incidentally, the conflicting report of these last words would later be the baby girl’s first lesson in which of her maternal figures to get solid, particle advice from.

– Early 4691 AR, Western Ustalav –

The baby girl is eventually named Viorica, after her mother’s favourite flowers, thanks mostly to her grandparents’ insistence that naming her “Eluvia the Elven Princess” would probably just get her beaten up.

– Late 4697 AR, Western Ustalav –

Cosmina Arcos decides to travel to Kyonin to reunite with her elven suitor, as people stopped feeling sorry for her and humouring her about the elven princess shtick a few years ago.

A six-year old Viorica waves a tearful farewell to her mother, somehow knowing that Cosmina will probably be eaten by wolves before she gets five miles outside of Evenvale. As she never hears from her mother again, Viorica can only assume she is right.

– 4698 AR, Western Ustalav –

After catching his granddaughter ordering her dolls to “BOW TO THE PRINCESS OF ELVENKIND!” Stelian Arcos decides Viorica needs to do something with herself before she ends up like her mother.

The something upon which he decides for his diminutive, unassuming granddaughter is espionage.

Viorica begins training entirely too secret to be detailed.

– 4699 AR, Somewhere in Ustalav –

Training.

– 4700 AR, Somewhere in Ustalav –

Training.

– 4701 AR, Somewhere in Ustalav –

Training.

– 4702 AR, Somewhere in Golarion –

Training.

– 4703 AR, Somewhere in Golarion –

Training.

– 4704 AR, Somewhere in Golarion –

Training.

– 4705 AR, Somewhere in Golarion –

Training.

– 4706 AR, Somewhere in Golarion –

Training.

– Early 4707 AR, Somewhere in Golarion –

Viorica completes her training.

– Mid–4707 AR, Somewhere in Golarion –

Viorica and Stelian Arcos begin making their way to Katapesh, where the young spy can ply her trade in the famed Nightstalls. Their journey takes them through adventures in Razmiran, the River Kingdoms, Galt, Taldor, and Quadira before they finally board a ship crossing the Obari Ocean.

Days into their ocean voyage, Stelian takes sick and never recovers. He does not see Katapesh.

– Early 4708 AR, Katapesh –

And, of course, that was when her training truly started. Because what did an old librarian from Ustalav know about espionage? It really should have been obvious that, while exciting, the training her grandfather had put her through would be more at home in trashy novels than the streets of any city in Golarion. In later years, she would even find the passages in the worst old novels that he had cribbed his training from, and all she could do was laugh.

But for now, Viorica Arcos began again. Because if an Arcos is anything, it’s persistent past the point of any sense.

 

– 4709 AR, Katapesh –

A begger slips through the streets of Katapesh and is chased away from the Nightstalls until she’s quick enough and quiet enough that they stop seeing her approach. It takes longer than she had expected it would, and she has to quickly abandon all of the panache her grandfather assured her were the hallmarks of a master spy.

She misses the panache.

– 4710 AR, Katapesh –

An herbalist wanders the streets of Katapesh, and is welcomed into homes and shops where all she charges for her services are a friendly smile. Her sleeping accommodations, however, are not much of a step-up from a beggar’s.

– 4711 AR, Katapesh –

A young, only vaguely talented painter visits Katapesh, seeking patronage and coin. How she can survive with such limited skill is a question no one really bothers to ask — at least she’s pretty, and with much less of the political drama a chartiable herbalist ends up attracting.

– 4711 AR, Katapesh –

A young and, dare I say, beautiful courtesan makes her presence known in Katapesh. Her unusual tastes make her quite popular among some of the minor nobles who visit the city, looking for new and strange experiences. Strange, she can give them, with pleasure.

She misses the painting.

– 4712 AR, Katapesh –

A minor elvish noblewoman arrives in Katapesh, and her light demeanour and seemingly constant amusement raise her status more quickly than any coin could. It’s astonishing how quickly people become bored with the wonders of Katapesh, so a pretty girl in a nigh constant state of wonder is refreshing and much welcome where even a courtesan hadn’t been before.

Plus, no more of that hinky stuff.

– 4712 to 4714 AR, Katapesh –

The beggar, the herbalist, the painter, the courtesan, and the minor noblewoman all make regular appearances in Katapesh, and slowly, ever so wretchedly slowly, information is collected. After many trips to the Nightstalls, a reputation is forged.

Most importantly, a grandfather would be very proud.

– 4714 AR, Absalom –

And finally, FINALLY, a request from a vendor in the Nightstalls sends her outside the city. To Absalom, of all places, the city at the center of the world. And now that she was there, she knew she would have to make her mark on the city.

The citizens of Absalom would never know the name Viorica Arcos, but she vowed, in the name Stelian Arcos, that they would feel her influence every time they lowered their voices just a little more, because secrets weren’t quite as safe as they used to be in Absalom.

Which is to say, even more unsafe than the already totally unsafe state they find themselves in at present, being that this is Absalom and it’s a bit sketchy, and … Bollocks. Work on dramatic closer before you publish your memoirs VA.

Honestly.

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No Unicorn Magic »

Sometimes, I draw gnomes. Sometimes, I draw them picking their noses.

Tixxi certainly is cooler than you.

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Why am I still doing this to myself?

It must be Derek Jacobi. I can’t resist his calm demands that I seduce and murder everyone.

And it’s only going to get worse.

I know this because I actually completed the last two tutorials and the first mission a couple of weeks back, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to continue with this… strange and somewhat inexplicable blog account of me playing video games. Every time I sit down to, I think “oh no, I have to play A Game of Thrones: Genesis, now. And I think I’d rather just stare at my keyboard blankly for a couple of hours. It’s less confusing and almost as much fun.”

I have to say it. A Game of Thrones: Genesis… is kind of bum. I have no doubt that there are people for whom this brand of bum is totally awesome, but for me, it is not the good kind of bum. It is the bad kind. The game is confusing, stressful, and somehow really boring too. I’ve never experienced apprehensive boredom before, but now I can say I have.

But I’ve only finished the tutorial and one mission, and I feel like maybe I haven’t given it a fair try. Maybe the tutorial and first mission weren’t a fair representation of the game. Or maybe it won’t matter because I’ll get some dragons and I can just burn everything.

So I’m going to try a few more missions, but I should probably catch up with what I’ve done already.

And that means recapping those last two tutorials and that first mission. Here goes…

The third tutorial is on peace and war which, while complicating gameplay further, at least serves to clear up what the hell my end goal is supposed to be. I had honestly originally thought my goal was just to screw my opponent into the ground with secret alliances and busty noble woman.

But no, it’s all tied to this peace gauge, and the prestige points attached to it.

Let’s see how Mr Jacobi explains it, though.

What else are peasants for?

As we learn in the fourth and final tutorial: nothing so important as to be senselessly murdered.

Mr Jacobi has me kill a bunch of peasants in this tutorial to watch the blue peace bar slowly start to fill with red, which I can only assume is the peasant’s blood, which he harvests for this very purpose. In the fourth tutorial, he has me kill a bunch more peasants because he really hates peasants, and also because one of those little icons at the top indicates one of the prestige point goals. What is that goal? Murdering peasants. (And also other units, but you can tell Jacobi’s hoping you’ll concentrate on the serfs.)

So yes, if you murder the most peasants, you get the prestige point bonus for murder. (I don’t think it’s actually called murder, but I’m not going to skirt the issue just because Derek Jacobi is.)

I don’t remember if Mr Jacobi even explains what the other point totals are for. Mostly, he’s just like” hey, if you murder peasants, you’ll totally win this. Just saying.”

In between bouts of peasant murder, Mr Jacobi also mentions that basically everything they taught you how to do in the last two tutorials will also disturb the peace and lead to war.

At this point, I’m not sure if you’re supposed to be trying for war or not. The source material doesn’t help with this confusion.

Mr Jacobi does mention that there are some ways to prevent war…

…but obviously they’re not that important, because you’re obviously going to go to war. I’m not even sure why he bothered with the word “quasi.” You will be going to war. Everyone in Westeros goes to war. Even babies. Especially babies.

And when you go to war, you can’t do any of that stuff anymore. No more alliances or booty calls or anything. You just hope you have enough food and gold build up your army, and then you hack away at your enemies.

So that’s the other good thing that peasants are for – making food so that you can start an army. But mostly for killing.

And that’s the third tutorial: you are going to war, so you’d better have a lot of food, and also, kill peasants.

As I already mentioned, Mr Jacobi tries to justify that in the fourth tutorial with “prestige points” but to be honest, I wasn’t paying a lot of attention to him by this point. In fact, I only took two screenshots doing the fourth tutorial. It’s a super quick tutorial that explains prestige points, which basically reward you for being “the best” at certain actions (like murder). And the person with the most points at the end of the game wins.

Only, I’m unclear if that’s only in multiplayer, or if prestige points show up in the single player game. Even after playing a mission, I’m entirely unclear on prestige points.

Mostly, my goal is just to murder a lot of peasants and hope I get extra brownie points from the AI for it.

But anyway, I totally took two screenshots. One was about fathering bastards.

I took this because all I could think about was your enemy envoy riding up to this little kid and pointing at him and yelling “bastard!” and laughing until he ran away forever. I also like the implication that there’s nothing you can do to get your great lord to keep it in his pants. He’s just going to father bastards. Just like you’re going to go to war. Man, Westeros is a wacky place.

And the last tutorial screenshot that I took was the last thing Mr Jacobi says in the tutorial.

I read this as: “wait, wait, I know you thought that was a lot, but there’s still like a bazillion ways to get screwed over in this game. But we got tired of making tutorials, so we’ll let the AI blindside you. Isn’t that the best way to learn? Yes.”

So, obviously, the campaign is gonna be fun.

But I’ll save that for next time.

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No Unicorn Magic »

Yes, it’s time again to delve into that maddening puzzle that is GoT: Genesis! This time, I decided to try the tutorial on “Underhand Methods.” Derek Jacobi says “underhand methods” too, so I guess that’s how they say it in Westeros.

Either way, I’m going to wish I hadn’t done this.

If I thought being friends with people was complicated, it was nothing compared to this. I took a mess of screenshots, but at this point, two minutes after completing the tutorial, I have no idea what any of them mean. Mostly, I just know there are are about 27 ways to screw people in this game.

But that sounds about right for GoT.

The first thing we learn about is destroying those beautiful alliances we made in the last tutorial.

So, we learn about a new unit: the assassin. You have to pay the assassin’s guild in order to be able to hire one, and they can sneak into towns and do dastardly things, just like the spy. That doesn’t seem so bad, right?

Oh no. That’s just GoT lulling you into a false sense of security.

Okay, so your assassin is invisible, unless a spy can see him. That’s cool. We do a quick look around and there don’t appear to be any spies around, so we head in and BAM. KNIFED. He even apologizes before he stabs her cos he’s a classy dude.

My assassin hustles back to my territory (conveniently marked by rows of little banners – whoever has to set those up every time I gain and lose territory is gonna hate me in a little while) because stealth units become visible when they stab people, and they can only poof again when they feel comfortable in their own territory, otherwise they get all self conscious with everyone staring at them.

So, one noble lady is dead and that town is just ripe for the looting. Um, I mean ally-ing-with-ing.

But Derek Jacobi has another task for me.

And I thought you seemed like such a nice guy.

Well, we must do what Mr Jacobi says, so I send my assassin in to the next town and in a completely surprising turn of events, things go wrong. Who could have foreseen that?

That’s right, not only is Jacobi a dick, he is a betrayer!

I won’t forget that, Derek Jacobi.

So there were guardsmen protecting the noble lady that I couldn’t see because I didn’t have a spy around. Sigh. The game gives me a spy and another assassin (because that first one has been totally forgotten about, that’s what kind of employer I am) and shows me that if you position your spy nearby, your assassin will use poison instead of a knife to kill her. Why wouldn’t he do that anyway?! Just in case?!

Apparently these bargain basement assassins need someone there to point out to them that someone is looking or they just go and get knife happy. Sigh.

Now we’re going to learn about another new unit: the rogue, which can be used to foment uprisings.

Foment is totally a word you don’t hear enough. What a great word. It makes me want to say it over and over again until it loses all meaning. Foment foment foment foment foment.

So you can send rogues in and they’ll start setting fire to things, and they’ll also create more rebels who go and set fire to other towns. This seems pretty simple, but will be important when Jacobi decides to confuse everything I have thus far learned.

That’s right, now is when Derek Jacobi has to confuse it all, because I was getting too comfortable.

In addition to fomenting uprisings, rogues can also be used to buy off enemy envoys. Then they become your SEKRIT envoys and all the alliances that they make are fake. Really? Um, okay, I think I got it.

There’s another way to mess with enemy envoys; those noble ladies from earlier. (Although I really don’t see anything noble about them. Why don’t we just call them prostitutes and be done with it?) They can seduce enemy envoys and stop them from doing their job.

In fact, the noble lady can seduce “any unit that is not a group,” because she’s not into that stuff. I’m not clear on what happens once they’re seduced. I think they go home to their bunks, though.

Luckily, it’s pretty easy to stop both rogues and noble ladies once they get up to this business.

If you can get another unit over there, their shenanigans become really awkward and they all kind of stare at each other wishing this awkward moment would pass before they all wander off in different directions. It’s really awkward.

Okay, I think that all makes sense.

But wait, you can use spies in another way too – you can send them over to your enemy’s noble house and have them pose as an envoy, assassin, or spy. And when they go out to do their thing, they’ll only be pretending to actually do it.

This all sounds good, until you realize that your enemy can do the same thing to you.

So what does this mean?

Every time you send an envoy in to make an alliance, you have to use a spy to check the town for guardsmen who might stop your envoy, and then you have to check your town on a regular basis afterwards because it may be undermined at any time, and you also have to check your envoy, because they could actually be a spy, and at any time, any of these units could be paid off by a rogue, or seduced by a noble lady and then who the hell knows what happens to them, and you could also be assassinated by an assassin unless you have guardsmen around and maybe a spy who can see assassins? I’m not entirely sure on that one.

So really, what it means is that you can’t trust any action you ever make in this game. Ever.

I’m starting to worry I’m going to accidentally betray myself somehow too.

…

On to the next tutorial!

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…starting with A Game of Thrones: Genesis.

That’s… not so alphabetical…

Look, it’s Steam’s fault, not mine.

And Steam is the boss here, not me. So we’re starting with A GAME OF THRONES: GENESIS.

Now, as far as I recall, GoT: Genesis is a real-time strategy game that chronicles the beginnings of Westeros, so back when the Targaryen’s were still chomping on people with dragons and they were the first family of incest (Lannisters are such posers).

Since this is a Game of Thrones (or Song of Ice and Fire) game, I have a feeling this is going to be complicated. Not just complicated, but mind-bogglingly complicated.

So I’m going to start with the tutorials.

Let’s go!

Hrmm. Loading screen.

What I like most about the loading screens is that each and every one of them likes to freeze my cursor, which makes me think the entire game has frozen. It’s a bold design decision, but the GoT/SoIaF series does have long history of playing such mind games, so I’ll call it a feature and move on.

Once the game finally loads, it looks like there are less options than I actually feared there might be. I’ve seen RTS games with tutorial windows that scroll right off the page. Still, I feel I shouldn’t let my guard down – this is still GoT after all. I decide to learn about creating alliances first, since it’s at the top of the list.

I am instantly greeted by Derek Jacobi, which I find very comforting. Surely, he won’t lead me astray!

But just as I suspected, Derek Jacobi is a talker. As such, I’m not going to screencap everything. This is GoT, so everything is excessively convoluted. I’m pretty sure there were at least six or seven dialogue boxes that explained walking. To be fair though, walking is tough…

In this world, everyone has been struck with a terrible case of the rickets, making walking both difficult, and painful. Their soft, soft bones means that they walk incredibly slowly. I think that’s why there were so many dialogue windows about walking – to build up their confidence before they make their first, stumbling steps out into the world.

My favourite part about this is that they haven’t taught me about a fast-forward button yet, so I get to watch the little envoy take every excruciating step as he hobbles along. There is a fast-forward button, right?

Anyway, at this point, I’m learning about using envoys. I’ve hired an envoy, and I’m getting him to go to a neighbouring town to make an alliance with them. Making an alliance means I get to collect money from them, and I don’t burn their town to the ground. I can burn towns to the ground, right?

Now we get to see an enemy envoy try to make an alliance at a town where I’ve already made an alliance. The joke’s on him though, because my envoy is still there, and look at them – they’re wearing the same outfit. Who would be caught dead wearing exactly the same outfit in the same town? So he’s going to have to go home and change because I was here first.

Unfortunately, this means that now we get to wait while the enemy envoy walks over and then every so slowly turns around. At the very least, I’m relieved to find that my foe has also been afflicted with rickets.

About two minutes pass between these two screenshots. I amuse myself by imagining the enemy envoy’s chagrin at arriving and seeing someone else in that super sweet robe and hat combo. He knew he should have gone with the full-length ball gown!

A little while later, I’ll see me get a guy with a horse, which you would think would be faster. Unfortunately, the horse also has rickets.

Sadly, Derek Jacobi has also caught rickets in his brain.

Anyway, now that I know about the basics of making alliances with my envoy, my next step is to get a spy, so I can do sneaky spy things.

But of course, since this is a GoT games, it can’t be that simple. First, I have to pay the spy guild, so that they’ll think I’m cool. Then, after a little while, they’ll let me know if a spy is available. Why do I need a spy? So I can see guardsmen in town. Because all of my other units have conditional blindness, apparently. Or they’re all giving town guardsmen the silent treatment, and they need the spy to act as a go-between and ask them to pass the butter or why they haven’t done the laundry since it’s THEIR TURN.

Really, the thing is, if you send in a unit other than a spy, and they have town guards, then you have to turn around and go all the way back home, and no one wants that, whatever the reason may be.

So that’s what spies are for.

Here’s my spy snooping on those guardsmen. The other cool thing that spies can do is that if your rival has sent an envoy into a town and made an alliance, you can totally send your spy in to make a SUPER SEKRIT alliance and be SUPER SEKRIT BEST FRIENDS with the town. That means that they secretly send all their money to you, instead of your rival. So that’s what we’re gonna do, and it’s gonna be pretty rad.

Of course, the problem is that my rival can totally do that to me, although I don’t know why any of my towns would want to be SEKRIT BEST FRIENDS with my rival when I have Derek Jacobi on my side. But whatever.

Unfortunately, when this happens, you can’t just raze the town, which is dumb (especially since I’m clearly playing the Targaryens and we’re supposed to have DRAGONS), instead you have to bribe the town with boobs. So I’ll send in a noble lady to marry the town (yes, the whole town).

I wish I’d gotten a screenshot, because her skill bar is the best. She has two options – marry and seduce. Because that’s what the ladies are for.

So, anyway, we’re going to hire a noble lady.

Apparently they’re just hanging out outside the local castle, waiting to be chosen for such a mission. Luckily, unlike the spy, they don’t have a guild, so we can get them on the cheap. (Although, to be fair, Derek Jacobi does let me know that normally noble ladies can’t be bought like this. I think he means you usually have to buy them dinner before hurling them at a neighbouring towns.)

So I send my gal off and she marries the town. TUTORIAL COMPLETE!

That’s one down! What have I learned?

I’ve learned that this game is probably unnecessarily complicated, which is going to make campaign mode a hoot. 

I’ve learned that maybe it’s a little foolish to be upset you can’t raze a town during the “Making Alliances” tutorial, and not to give up hope that that option may yet be available.

I’ve also learned that Derek Jacobi is the most polite tutorial guide ever.

That’s right, he doesn’t tell me to check the mini map, he invites me too. You’re such a gentleman, Derek Jacobi.

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